Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same