aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.