I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
No way!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.