You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
You Might Also Like
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.