*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season