i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.