Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!