*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
🤣🤣💀
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
john wicks are toilet candles
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.