Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Don’t make me out nice you.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.