Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.