Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
rapatouille
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Feels like the fourth month in January
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.