I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
In space, no one can hear…
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.