‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.