[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
found this cool rock hiking today
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born