Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry