*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
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If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star