Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
The Backseat Boys
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp