Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”