wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Meow
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.