Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.