*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds