They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
How I like cutting carbs
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
British websites use biscuits.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99