Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.