You Might Also Like
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies