[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
When libraries troll their patrons.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.