i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?