Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.