I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
lost dog
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ