A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I remember when things only cost an arm.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
They did not think through this water fountain
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.