2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
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“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
he’s sick of your bullshit today
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.