Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great