Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
You Might Also Like
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.