If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
The game has officially changed 😎
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out