I just died πππππ
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a donβt stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. π
if you ever think that youβre having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
i hate when my iPhone corrects βomwβ to βOn my way!β bro i am not that excited
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girlsβ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
S M O L
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if weβre being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: heβs right behind me isnβt he
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Liquor Store Parking
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so