Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.