I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
you will never know the true number of layers
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I鈥檝e missed 738 birthdays because I haven鈥檛 been on for over 2 years 馃槼
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it鈥檚 like she missed that part.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone鈥檚 well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you鈥檙e always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you