There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
You Might Also Like
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
(Jupiter –
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup