This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Perfect.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
God, I love Scotland
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.