DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Aaaa…CHOO!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I told my vodka about you.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight