It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today