For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
me after drinking all the wine:
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.