I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest