WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.