you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
You Might Also Like
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names