Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I feel it
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again