stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
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this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”