I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.