I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
🤣dope
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”