IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.