As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
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If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno